When S hits the fan

I thought I will write this down. Partly because I am going through it right now.....

When S hits the fan I feel anxious about a future that I think might happen. This anxiety have no benefit other then to kick me out of auto pilot mode and reflect on my life. For without crisis, I will mindlessly go through life with not fore thoughts of my actions and its consequences...

Sometimes when bad things happen, it can be from mistakes we made years and years ago even if you have changed for the better since then. Its like having a grave of someone that died years ago being dug up to be scrutinized. Life suddenly feels unfair, unforgiving where mercy is not shown but your mistakes in the past scrutinized and your good deeds ignored. Alas, we are in a sinful and fallen world...

But I know though I don't feel it now, no matter what happen after this, a few months from now or so, I will just look back and smile because at that time I won't feel emotional. I will also be able to see my circumstances now with the bigger picture in mind.

As for now, I will live with it one day at a time and wait for things to resolve because it is now beyond my control. It might never resolve but this is part of living, very good things can happen, very bad things can happen and sometimes there is nothing we can do to influence our situation. The only power I have now is my ability to influence the way I perceive my crisis, and I choose to be thankful for it despite my anxiety. Because I will be a notch wiser after this.

Care group and bible discussions

I am not going for anymore care group and bible discussions.It is not the fault of anyone in any care group that I don't want to go. I few things comes to mind....

1) I tend to get irritated by people that don't seem to talk sense.

Yes, I am not judging those people. It is just that when I hear people trying to explain things that seems to contradict the bible there is this tension in me that gets me somewhat irritated.... I don't know why. Usually I just keep quiet but after a while it just becomes a drag on me.

2) You tend to get this person that can elaborate with 10000 words a point that can be explained in 20 words or less.

Yes these people will talk and talk and talk just to explain a simple and well understood point. I don't get why can't people get straight to the point without repeating and quoting examples after examples as if the listeners are mental retards. Don't get me wrong, I don't get offended by them I am just really bored hearing them.

3) I learn a lot more about God studying the bible by myself

Yes I can go at my own pace and I can customize the way I study the bible. Besides I feel closer to God reading the bible as I pray. Something you can't do in a group bible study.

4) I rather socialize with Christians outside bible studies.

As I said bible studies with a group of christians is usually painfully boring to me. Studying the bible by myself brings me closer to God because of my alone time with God and His words.

Sure there will be some christian brothers and sisters that might despise me for my decisions but hey that will probably help me with to get friends I prefer. Well hopefully.

Another observation

I haven't blog  a while! Well I have been really busy. Anyway I had an observation today that was profound enough that I have to blog it to keep it in memory.

We all know that if someone brag about themselves it can make them look bad especially if they over do it. It shows their insecurities and that they have a chip on their shoulders.

If you hear very good things about someone from other people he will look very good. However if that same person somehow review through conversations that he is not ashame to admit his weaknesses or vulnerabilities he will look extremely good.

I am not advocating anything here. I met a person like that today and it made a strong impression on me. Genuine confidence is always respected. I wonder why God made us to respect this trait.

How some people judge a software

You know one thing I find very very very astounding? Some people judge the quality or usefulness of a software by the size of memory it takes up.... So the next question is, how do you bloat up the size of a small software? I call it software cosmetics.

Another observation on people

Friend A of mine is jobless and looking for one. He asked another mate of mine(friend B) if he have found a job for him. The other guy said no I haven't found. (I over heard it in the badminton court) Friend B looked uneasy.

No too long latter friend B while talking to me expressed dislike to friend A on something rather trivial. At first I didn't get it but I figured B don't like A because he felt pressured when asked by A for help and he couldn't deliver in desperation. Now I have seen similar scenarios like this countless times in my life.

Aside: General rule when dealing with people you are not close with or you don't know. Don't ask for favors especially out of desperation when they may not be able to help.

I think this is due to a survival mechanism in human's to avoid desperate and needy people. Ideally we should help the needy and not discriminate them. Jesus did not avoid the sick and desperate people, in fact he went out to them and heal them and feed them, so it is not normal to feel pressured by desperate people. Or is it?

So which is it? humans are like that because of sinful nature? Or is it a natural survival instinct to avoid life burden and have a better chance of surviving due to less burden? Is it really a survival instinct like breathing or a result of sin?

A crappy badminton game?

I played badminton last sunday and a friend of mine I have known for years that is normally quite good in the game was playing like crap. So I ask him whats up with you dude? He said I am going on a first date with a girl latter that is why I can't concentrate. I said, I see, it is about time you grow up eh? (Jokingly)

So I asked what time is the appointment? he said 8 PM, I said goodness you better go back and get ready now dude you will be late. He said nevermind I am going in this outfit (sweaty and wet badminton outfit)

I said dude, this is your first date with her, she is not yours yet, you gotta impress her. He said, I know, but I am not smelly right?

At that point I decide to keep quiet because the situation can't be helped anymore.
If I have a son, one thing I will have to teach him is how to groom himself and then how to impress the other side with chivalry. I know chivalry is bs but hey it works lol

Unfairness

Recently someone my age committed suicide because he see himself as a failure in life. He have a "dead end job" he couldn't afford things like marriage and sadly our society expect more than what he can achieve. You see, I did say you can't blame him for being the way he is because, given a choice he wants to be capable and smart, given a choice he wants to be able to provide and succeed in life.

You might say, his stinking attitude led to a crappy life. True but that was the result of his up bringing and mind programming, is it totally his fault?. Did he choose his parents and the type of up bringing? Given a choice he would probably choose to be born in a well to do family that comes with good up bringing.

I have been thinking about this since at least 6 years old and I remember my mom getting a bit annoyed with me when I question all these things hahaha. I concluded that we can't blame incompetent people or "poor and useless" people for being who they are. They are the by product a world filled with unfairness and suffering. The catch is, we could be them by being born as them. The line between the average, rich and poor is very very thin. The similarity between the haves and have not is, God is the maker of them all. Despising the incapable and poor for being who they are just doesn't sound right.

The conviction in me is to do my best to make this world better for everyone. Hopefully someday if God bless me, I can have the privilege to have more influence in this area.