Reflection of a girl...

"Life is all about fuck ups and learning kid!" Growed RJ while I was staring into the deep blue sea from Songa Venus, a drilling rig off Western Australia. It was around June 2008. RJ-Ronald James a senior drilling engineer has been my close buddy while I was drilling for Weatherford, an old oil rig hardened man from youth. I kept thinking of her, a relationship that lasted for 2 years ended just like that. "Damn it Ben, its not like you need her, well if you want a girl like her again get your girly ass up and get your life back together again". I glanced at RJ as he was growling with a distinctively strong aussie accent, deciding on the spot not to reply. Sure I was hurt, and you would think a good loving friend like RJ will comfort you. He went on lecturing me as I watched the sun sink to the bottom of the sea barely listening to him. "Dude, I have been through pussy fuck ups myself, but you know what I got up! yada yada yada" Of all the joy and pain I have gone through in life suddenly it dawned on me that day that there are no emotions as extreme when someone you desire rejects you. "Ben its part of growing up! You are going to get out of this, you are going to find what you want" He exclaimed. It made a lot of sense but I just can't feel it. That night we flew back to Brisbane as we were preparing to go back to NZ in 2 days. Adelaide offered to meet me at the airport through a text. At that time it didn't make sense. I was dating Adelaide, she is a very lovely, sweet and beautiful girl I met a few months back but yet even while with her I still thought of my old ex, the one I have been with for 2 years. Adie sense something was wrong but I never got around telling her. We did many things together and it wasn't fare to Adie that I thought a lot about my ex. Its been more than 6 months since those incidents occurred, So much have changed, so much of my perspective on life has change. The main thing that destroyed my relationship with my ex was my insomnia….. I often question why the disease prolonged…

As I entered my new job just to get far away from it all, I stumbled across what I would call specimens of friends. By this time my hurt has receded, my memories of her due to insomnia have faded. It was January 2009, the trees rustled above me, the warm tropical air filled my shirt licking at my sweat, the clear blue sky above Piasau Camp beach made me reflect upon life as a whole. The sand streched for 10s of miles, the faint sound of kids laughing from a distance drowned by strong wind could be heard. Sea gulls were screaming at each other in the air as they establish their pact leader. The crest of the waves hit the beach and whitened with foam as the waters roughly splash with the sound of synchronized roaring. As I pondered upon the things in life I found that at the end of the day in God's eyes the world is not about us. Yeah I have been thinking hard about the meaning of life. I remember telling Janice, "Jan, I don't know what this life is about, I mean how can I keep living when I know at the end of the day it accomplishes nothing" she looked at me with a confused face and replied "What do you feel you are lacking. You have a job, you have friends, you have me and Caleb that are near you, what more do you want. You should see the pastor" Her usual reply was I should get counseling. Its not that I didn't want to, it's just that they never thought about these things themselves. The break through happen when Jordan Lindsay told me to pray that I trust in God and just do what is right….. I have been holding on to things I don't want to let go. It just made sense to surrender my life and all I hang on to, to God.. I mean why hold on to a cookie while your hand is trapped in a cookie jar. I have always wanted to train as a teacher, not a drilling engineer. I always have a heart for the unfortunate students in the not so good classes where all kinds of things in their life are holding them back mentaly and emotionaly. I always have a heart for them. After all the only difference between me and anyone else is to whom am I born to…. If we were only to live for so long, it made sense to live it for God. I can only plan where I am going. But I know I will get somewhere. I guess for the 1st time since graduation I am feeling excited again about life. I don't regret any relationship I have had with anyone be it hurtful or beautiful, with all of them there was always an epiphany and something to learn. =) I owe it to God for my peace. Amen.